Tips to Reignite the Romantic Spark in Your Relationship

Honored to be featured on Marriage.com with this article, “Tips to Reignite the Romantic Spark in Your Relationship.” See also below.

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You’ve long ago inhaled the early dating phase of forgoing sleep for intimate conversation and unquenchable sexual desire.

You’ve committed yourselves to each other in some meaningful way, be it co-habitation, marriage, or child rearing.

You’ve seen each other sick with boogers and puke, held each other up at a funeral, and learned how to navigate the strange waters of your in-laws’ quirks.

You know what she prefers on her waffles and in her coffee.

You know his family home burned when he was 8 years old, so he’ll always have to check the oven one last time before leaving the house.

You know.

And yet somewhere along the way, you look over at the person sleeping soundly just inches from your face and realize he is a complete stranger … there’s a stranger in your bed!

Your identity has continued evolving without her participation. Or you’re not sure anymore how he really feels, what really happens during her days, or why the distance between you seems to be growing faster than your debt.

Relational stagnation is oh-so-common, and happens for predictable reasons:

  • Busy-ness (ie: dishes, homework, mortgages, deadlines, LIFE) gets in the way –how could it not? In the beginning it was learning all about the other person and the world he inhabited up until this point without you. Later it became creating a world together. And then later, the days fill with managing that co-created world.
  • We assume we know someone and so stop trying to get to know her. It’s easy to assume he still feels and thinks and fears and dreams the way he did 5, 10, 15, 50 years ago. But no one stays the same. We mature. Life grows us.
  • It’s easy to expect our partners to “just know.” Way easier than taking the risk to share our inner feelings or ask for what we want and need.

Relational stagnation may be common, but it’s still a big problem:

  • It leads to disconnection, discontent, boredom, conflict, and avoidance … it leads to the slow disintegration of your marriage over time. From here, people go on to do and experience all kinds of painful things – loneliness, affairs, and divorce to name a few.
  • If you’re raising kids together, it robs them of a powerful example of what long term love can look like. Not to mention the security it brings a family when mommy and daddy, or mommy and mommy, or daddy and daddy are clearly in love.
  • If you’re raising kids together, it leads to the daunting task of negotiating “Empty Nest” with a stranger. Add retirement to this, and the newfound hours of strained time together has you wondering if you’ll end up facing this later life stage apart or alone.
  • Most importantly, you are being robbed of the vitality and security a romantic relationship really can provide. We sometimes get caught between wanting the fairy tale on the one hand and settling for “this is just marriage” on the other. In reality, marriage is imperfect, but can still be deeply meaningful, passionate, and secure.

Don’t give up, there are ways to regenerate relational vitality!

  • Get curious! Start to ask and really listen to your partner. Take an interest in his work, recent stresses, and new hopes. This doesn’t only have to take the form of conversation. You can also join her during one of her usually solo activities.
  • Take risks and share more of yourself. It could be being honest about something that’s been nagging you for years, or a new part of yourself you’re just now putting into words. Ask directly for the comfort or connection you’ve longed for but stopped daring to expect.
  • Make a pact to step outside the box together. Take a cue from your early dating life in terms of playfulness. Ride the rides together at the fair. Slow dance in the kitchen. Invest in season tickets or new lingerie. Surprise her with breakfast in bed.
  • Prioritize quality time alone together no matter what. Set a regular date night. Put down your phones and enjoy a glass of wine together after the kids are in bed. Take vacations without other friends or family. Make time for pillow talk.

If these tips are met with your partner’s apathy or opposition, or if you can’t even imagine how to begin putting yourself out there in these ways, please don’t hesitate to seek couple therapy assistance with rebuilding intimacy.

Your marriage is one of your most valuable investment opportunities when it comes to life satisfaction. Don’t underestimate the power you really do have to re-ignite the spark when you open yourself to sharing and receiving each other’s unique inner-light.

Amanda Carver, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Atlanta, Georgia. She specializes in providing Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) in helping couples create and enjoy lasting love and affection in their relationships as well as helping individuals create deeply meaningful lives.

5 Questions to Re-Align Your Life in 2016

When I look at the heart of what drives my work as a therapist, it is connection. Connection to our own wise minds and intuitive souls, and connection to those precious people in our lives. As social animals, authentic and secure connection to ourselves and others is profoundly life changing, and when we struggle with either finding or following our own truth or finding and connecting with our own tribe, it can lead to isolation, anxiety, avoidance of many kinds, depression, and a profound sense of lacking vitality and meaning in living.

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As 2016 fast approaches, and we all reflect on the past year and renew our commitments for the next year, I offer you these 5 questions to get you thinking and feeling and hopefully MOVING toward a life aligned with your truest self and deepest wisdom:

  1. What is most important to me in living this life? If I could wake up tomorrow living a life that prioritized these most important values, what would be different? Think honestly about what you want to be doing now that would allow you to reflect back on your life in a way that feels full and true to who you are. Would you be taking better care of your physical or mental health? Would you be more involved with your family or community? Would you be spending way less time on your phone, watching TV, or working round the clock and more time with your children, spouse, creative projects, social causes, or on adventures?
  2. If my answer to question number 1 feels “too distant” or “too grand,” how can I break it down into daily steps that will help get me moving in a meaningful direction? Try to think in terms of routine behaviors rather than a final destination. Start with the dream, but break it down into what you could be doing daily or often to make that dream clearer or nearer. Would you be setting aside money each month to afford a trek through the mountain trails to Machu Pichu? Would you begin couples counseling to support a new period of connection and intimacy in your romantic relationship? Would you devote more time to a community that feeds your soul or goals, such as a religious or spiritual organization or a Meet-Up group?IMG_4168
  3. If I’m honest with myself, what of my current habits or personal myths are getting in my way? The habits that are getting in your way are the ways you spend time and energy with little or no return on your investment. These are the things you do that feel meaningless, lifeless, and don’t recharge you. These are the things you do because you’re bored, tired, disconnected, etc. And there are myths that keep you stuck in these behaviors, such as “I’m always too tired or too busy,” “My idea has already been done before so there’s no point,” “I’m not putting myself out there again, people will just let me down,” etc. This question helps you figure out what space needs to be cleared to make room for more of what adds meaning – it could be literal space (a cleared out corner of your basement or garage for painting), “time” space (a freed hour on your schedule), or psychological space (challenging personal myths or addressing stuck places with therapy assistance).
  4. If I am feeling knocked down by difficult times or circumstances, what kind of person do I want to be going through this difficult time or seemingly unchangeable circumstance? We all face losses and limits, some of them incredibly profound – such as the loss of loved ones, our own health constraints, and financial or other situational complexities that either can’t be changed at all, or can’t easily be changed any time soon. If this is a dark night for you, take time to really reflect on what kind of person you want to be going through or accepting this painful truth. What values or personality characteristics do you want anchoring and guiding you on this difficult leg of your life journey?IMG_4150
  5. If I am feeling overwhelmed by these questions, what is one way of being in this world that is meaningful to me and what is one step I can take toward living inside that meaning? Sometimes looking at the big picture in this way can re-energize us toward action connected to our vital truths. But sometimes it’s just too much. We all have those moments when what we need is less “to-do” and more slowing down. We need to connect with and anchor ourselves in one accessible part of our meaningful life experience before we can move forward. What is this experience for you? If it’s community, is there one friendship you could focus on nurturing? If it’s creativity, is there an inspiring book you could read or a museum you could visit? If it’s compassion, is there someone who would find comfort in hearing your warm voice on the other end of the phone? If it’s presence, if there a way to set the intention for a routine of informal mindfulness?

Use your inner compass to guide you in gleaning from these questions and answers what may spark a small but vital change in your life. There is no one “right” way to do this thing called living, and no grand vision planned well enough to avoid the dark corners and detours of ourselves and the world. Remember: mistakes and reroutes are not only unavoidable, they’re welcome! They add to the organic spice of ending up in a life far richer than the one you originally imagined. Best wishes for a meaningful 2016!

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Amanda Carver, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Atlanta, Georgia. She specializes in providing Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) in helping couples create and enjoy lasting love and affection in their relationships as well as helping women create deeply meaningful lives. All written content and images owned by Amanda Carver.

 

New Year’s Resolution at Earth Meets Sky

Dear Readers,

I haven’t updated this blog in nearly 4 months. There have been several reasons for this, but the primary reason is that I’ve been struggling with balancing the purpose of this blog with other beliefs. I firmly believe that we are an over-saturated society when it comes to tidbits (or long bits) of information – including inspirational info! – and that we’re also a society far too stuck inside our iProducts, TVs, computers, and social media.

There was a time when reading a good article, even online, was meaningful. Now there are so many good articles to read, it’s hard to make time, and even harder to keep in mind what we gleaned from the reading. Things get condensed into soundbites of the written word, the longest of which is still a fairly short article or blog entry (much like mine) with a “Step 1, 2, 3” flow to it, and the most common of which are Tweets and quotes. I love quotes, but even those start to lose meaning when we’re bombarded with them on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram all day long. An inspirational kernel of wisdom can become a meaningless platitude when you find it “spamming” your social media walls.

Amanda Carver, LMFT is not about any of that. I am not trying to compete with the already amazing resources out there, and I’m certainly not trying to pull you away from the richness of your inner wisdom or the warmth of your real life human connections.

And yet, I do have ideas to share. I do realize that some people may use this space as a spring board to get to know me and my clinical work which could lead to very meaningful connection in my therapy office. And I do think sometimes an article or a quote can be just what we need to take the action our deeper wisdom was already stirring inside of us.

As such I’ve decided to become very focused with this space. My New Year’s Resolution here at Earth Meets Sky with Pie is to carefully sift through the various ideas I have about what to share and hold myself accountable to sharing what is potentially most meaningful to you … and in a way that is accessible and digestible but not at the expense of honoring the complexity of the human experience. In short, I want to share what you want to hear and what I believe may actually be helpful based on my human and professional experience.

Please let me know if there are topics you’d like to see covered at Earth Meets Sky with Pie! Knowing I won’t be spamming your walls or inbox, please take the time to follow me on Facebook, Twitter, or WordPress so that you are aware of when I do make a post … and so that you can more easily engage in the ongoing human conversation of what helps create a vital and meaningful life! I want to hear from you. I want to connect with you. I want this space to honor the vital and meaningful, including respecting your pursuits of those things in the real rather than the virtual world. As always, I look forward to seeing what ideas we can create together.

Warmly and with Best Wishes for 2016,
Amanda

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Amanda Carver, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Atlanta, Georgia. She specializes in providing Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) in helping couples create and enjoy lasting love and affection in their relationships as well as helping women create deeply meaningful lives. All written content and images owned by Amanda Carver.

 

 

Phone-Life Balance: Using Mindfulness to Reconnect with Your Real Self and Your Real Life

I am honored to share a blog post I wrote for my friend and colleague Gordon Shippey’s blog: Phone-Life Balance: Using Mindfulness to Reconnect with Your Real Self and Your Real Life (also below). Gordon is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Atlanta, GA who specializes in mental health issues surrounding the Internet and our increasingly technological world, including issues such as Internet addiction, compulsive gaming, and addiction to online pornography. Please check out his website and blog for further information about prioritizing mental health in the technology age!

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We all know it’s true, that nagging voice inside is noticing more and more: We’ve become addicted to our smart phones. First thing in the morning (even before coffee!), last thing before turning out our bedside light, waiting at traffic lights or for tables at restaurants, and even during lulls in conversation with our friends and family, we light up our phones and check Facebook, Instagram, texts, email, news and other apps. For some it goes so far as answering calls during sex, or texting while driving – a fatal hazard! We hardly have time to enjoy a beautiful moment before we’re posing and taking pictures of it to post on our media pages. Our experiences are being hijacked by the cataloging of them, and all to supposedly help us feel more connected, maybe even more alive … but is it working?

Now that social media and the smart phones that put it constantly at our fingertips have been standard items for many years, the research is rolling in on how much better off we really are from these powerful inventions. Perhaps unsurprisingly, it doesn’t look good. According to a study at the University of Derby, the average smart phone user spends 3.6 hours on their device a day, with 13% of research participants showing full addiction behaviors. And it’s coming with a toll of less connectedness and increased depression.

11846633_1012552652112111_4359517682162020442_nI’m all for smart phones and social media! I love that I get to know the little goings on in my friends’ and family’s lives, and even “watch” their children grow up despite the sometimes thousands of miles between us. I love that I can quickly search for the nearest taco stand from anywhere that I am. I love that I can follow up on email or pay bills while waiting at the doctor’s office.

But what is the price for these conveniences? And what can one do about balancing the scale between help and harm? Borrowing from the ever-wise world of mindfulness, you may find that disconnecting from your phone for even brief periods of time brings great riches to the present moment you are actually living.

Instead of reaching for your phone first thing in the morning, try:

  • Doing a body scan and noticing where you need to stretch or which parts may need your special attention
  • Checking in with roommates, romantic partners, or children and asking them about their pending day

Instead of reaching for your phone last thing at night, try:

  • Engaging in progressive muscle relaxation where you tense and release the different muscles in your body
  • Checking in with yourself or your partner to share the “best” and “worst” of the day

Instead of reaching for your phone at a traffic light or while waiting in line, try:

  • Taking at least 3 deep, comfortable breaths
  • Really noticing the people and landscapes around you – the unique in the mundane, the little things you’ve passed a thousand times but never really seen

Instead of reaching for your phone while on your lunch break or eating meals alone, try:

  • Using your 5 sense to fully experience your food – what does it smell like, look like in full spectrum of color, feel like against your fingers and tongue, etc.?
  • Giving gratitude for the sun, water, minerals, plants and people who helped make it possible to eat your meal

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Instead of reaching for your phone while with people, try:

  • Listening with deep intent to what others are saying, or if they’re not talking, asking them questions and giving them time and space to fully answer
  • Sharing what’s on your mind – either your troubles or your joys – people won’t think you a complainer or a braggart – they do want to know who you really are!

If possible, push yourself to carve out moments of your day or week where you turn your phone off or at least leave it on vibrate in the other room. Delete apps that you notice are sucking up too much of your time. (I personally did this with much success in terms of improved productivity and time for, gasp, reading actual books!)

Remember, our phones may be really good at lighting up areas of our brain that our brain then interprets as a reward. They may be really good at distracting us from our boredom or anxiety. They may be really good at directions home. But they can’t replace the people in our lives. And they certainly can’t live our lives for us. A perfectly posed picture can’t replace the experience of taking in a gorgeous mountain sunset or your dog greeting you with his merrily wagging tail. And a perfectly choreographed video can’t replace the actual experience of your first wedding dance, new husband or wife warm in your arms.

When we’re plugged into our phones, we miss out on so much. We miss out on our beautifully unscripted and un-catalogued lives. These spontaneous moments are the treasures we all look back on with love and joy. Nothing could be more important.

Amanda Carver, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Atlanta, Georgia. She specializes in providing Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) in helping couples create and enjoy lasting love and affection in their relationships as well as helping women create deeply meaningful lives. All written content owned by Amanda Carver.

“Inside Out”: 5 Important Take Away Messages for Navigating the World of Emotion

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I first saw a preview for the Disney/Pixar film “Inside Out” at a therapist’s training, no doubt! Immediately excited by the concept of a film that attempts to explain the function of emotions, I couldn’t wait to get to the theater. Anticipation was high, and the film delivered! Not all the metaphors are precisely accurate from a purely neuropsychological frame, but for a family film, they did an excellent job. The creative team beautifully executed the personification of brain and personality function in the mind of 11-year-old girl, Riley, as she negotiates the major life change of moving to a new city far from home. From this narrative, the main characters of her emotions Joy, Sadness, Anger, Disgust, and Fear take the audience on a wildly informative and entertaining ride.

There are so many things I could say about this film, and have ad nauseam to my sweet patient husband! For today’s blog post, however, I’m going to keep it simple. Here are 5 important take-away messages from “Inside Out” to help you better navigate the world of emotion.

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  1. We have all our emotions for a reason, including “negative” emotions
    A major theme of “Inside Out” is the battle between the main characters, Riley’s emotions of Joy and Sadness. As Riley traverses the huge adjustment of moving across the country, time and again Sadness bellows out in complaint and Joy attempts to contain this truth. However, by the end of the film, it becomes clear that Sadness has a critical role to play in Riley’s processing of change and ultimate self-preservation. Without Sadness, necessary grief and healing connection aren’t possible. This is true for the necessity of all our emotions, including emotions beyond the scope of this film.
  2. Emotional experiences are often complex
    We often try to squeeze our emotions into neat definitions as a way to understand what is actually a very complex experience! “Inside Out” shows us that we can actually feel many emotions, even seemingly opposing emotions, at the exact same time. Riley learns she can be sad about missing her old life while also feeling happy that her parents are offering her comfort. Acknowledgement and synthesis of complex emotional experiences creates a rich and meaningful life.
  3. Emotions can influence our interpretations, memories, and personality traits
    Emotions protect us in many ways – joy helps us continue to engage in life-affirming behaviors, fear keeps us from threats of harm, sadness can draw important comfort to us, and on and on. But emotions are not unilateral facts. They do, however, have a powerful ability to color the facts of life to their hue. This happens not just in depressing times, but in healthy times, too, with a cascade of influence from how we interpret our world, to how we code and recode memory, and even to our personalities as they develop and change over time. It’s extremely important to honor the internal experience of our emotional truths while also appreciating the limits of emotion to fully ascertain external truth.
  4. Emotional validation is not only empowering, it’s essential
    In the film, Riley’s well-meaning parents ask her to show her happy face during the stressful time of the move. Unbeknownst to them, however, their lack of empathic attunement to her understandable fear and sadness made it much more difficult for her to process her loss and adjust to her new life. As children, we largely rely on others to validate our experiences and make them real for us. As adults, we can provide some validation for ourselves, but never cease to need others in this way. Showing up for ourselves and others to say, “What I’m/you’re feeling makes sense” is an essential part of integrating and healing from our experiences.
  5. Connection with others is how we heal and thrive
    Self-validation is a good start. Additional coping tools such as mindfulness, exercise, and creative expression (to name a few) are also incredibly helpful in creating an adaptive life that doesn’t veer off track at the least little bump in the road. But even with all of this, it is through connection with others that we experience our richest meaning and our deepest healing. Reaching out in a moment of anguish or need and having someone reach back is the exact medicine the moment calls for. As social creatures we simply do not know how to heal our wounds or build vital lives without authentic connection with others.

If you are confused about your emotional experiences, wonder if emotion has created unhelpful narratives about your life, or struggle with engaging in healing connection with others, a therapist may be helpful in guiding you to a more contented and meaningful life.

Amanda Carver, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Atlanta, GA. She specializes in providing Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) in helping couples create and enjoy lasting love and affection in their relationships as well as helping women create deeply meaningful lives. All written content owned by Amanda Carver.

Beyond “I Love You”: 3 Ways to Elevate Your Love Relationship

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“We loved with a love that was more than love.” ~Edgar Allan Poe

Early in a thriving relationship, we all savor those three little words from our romantic partners: I love you. Upon the realization of love, whether it be a slow crescendo or a clanging epiphany, we long to share our hearts with our partners and have such tenderness returned. “I love you” holds intense power in moving a romantic commitment into deeper, more intimate territory.

Over time “I love you” can lose not only its exuberance but also its meaning as it takes its place on the shelf of other common experiences in life. Or conversely, “I love you” may seem too common a phrase to fully communicate the depth of one’s feeling, connection, and commitment to another.

In her pioneering work with adult attachment theory and the development of Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT), Dr. Sue Johnson focuses on the necessary components of active and thriving attachment connections. Love and the communication of love is important, yes, but so to are additional behaviors that create security and maintain passion in a relationship over time. In her book “Hold me Tight” Dr. Johnson discusses the qualities of what she calls ARE relationships – that is, relationships where partners are Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged with each other.

Being accessible, responsive, and engaged are the hallmarks of secure attachment. When our partners by and large respond to us in this way, it tells us we are important and can count on them. It also keeps the spark alive, for it is within a trusting connection with another that we feel and risk intimacy and passion.

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“I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)” ~e.e. cummings

Much like an infant who cries for a parent to hear the cry, respond to the cry, and soothe the cry, in couples we look to our romantic partners to show us they don’t just care through words, but are truly available in action. The child whose parents didn’t hear his cry or responded with hitting, ignoring, or shoving a bottle in his face without notice that it was actually a dirty diaper that needed changing may grow up to experience relational connections as unsafe. So, too, do we learn to feel unsafe with our partners when we have the sense that they don’t really see us, aren’t really there for us, and can’t be counted on to sit with us through life’s difficult storms.

In addition to “I love you,” meaningful ways to communicate deep care and commitment include:

  • “I’m here for you”
  • “What you’re saying/feeling makes sense to me”
  • “I believe in you”
  • “You are most important to me”

All words must be followed up by actions, in this case the actions of being deeply present:

  • Making yourself available in times of need, and making quality time with your partner a priority in the never-ending competition for your energy
  • Giving your partner your undivided attention while s/he shares of her/himself
  • Listening and validating your partner before jumping straight to “fixing” it or shifting topics
  • Offering big and small gestures of support for your partner’s dreams or through his/her fears, including affection
  • Showing up with your own vulnerability

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    “To love at all is to be vulnerable.” ~C.S. Lewis

If you want your partner to really know and feel what s/he means to you, “I love you” isn’t enough. If you want a relationship that anchors and inspires you each to be your best self, you will have to reach deeper inside and offer each other accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement.

Sometimes when we did not grow up with models of this type of relationship, when our current relationship is stagnant from conflict, betrayal or distance, or our inner child is still hurting from lack of attunement from when we were young, seeking the assistance of a couples therapist can be helpful. Consider finding an EFT therapist in your area who is specially trained in how to strengthen the attachment between romantic partners to create secure and lasting bonds.

Amanda Carver, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Atlanta, GA. She specializes in providing Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) in helping couples create and enjoy lasting love and affection in their relationships as well as helping women create deeply meaningful lives. All written content and images owned by Amanda Carver.

Love Wins!

I realize I’m almost a month late on writing a post to celebrate the Supreme Court ruling that recognizes gay marriage in all 50 states of this great country. As a marriage and family therapist it is with deep pride that I celebrate the loving, committed relationships of all of our citizens. It has long plagued me that the very title of my profession – marriage and family therapist – implied discrimination.

When our relationships are strong and healthy, we also tend to be strong and healthy as individuals and communities. With all due respect to Simon & Garfunkel, we are not rocks or islands. Rather, we are intensely social creatures whose brains and hearts work better in the context of intimate connection with others. There is no denying the intense power of relationships to color our lives for better and worse. And depending on the day or year, they *will* do so for better *and* for worse – thus the need not only for love, but also commitments.

When a relationship hums in affection and connection, it does not just create a happy or strong marriage or family. It creates a place from which individuals are able to go out into the world and claim their place in it. It creates parents who raise children both compassionate and confident. It quite literally makes the world a better place. It is from this knowledge that I find my life’s calling in helping others heal relationships. It is from this magical place where 1+1 = more than 2, that I am so happy for the many, many loving relationships in our nation that now have the freedom to make full commitments to each other in the eyes of the law and the land.

I raise my cup in congratulations for the loving commitments of marriage made by all couples, and the striving to keep to those commitments and remain connected through sorrow and joy. When love wins, we all win.

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Amanda Carver, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Atlanta, GA. She specializes in providing Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) in helping couples create and enjoy lasting love and affection in their relationships as well as helping women create deeply meaningful lives. All written content owned by Amanda Carver.