You don’t need another human being to make your life complete. But let’s be honest, having your wounds kissed by someone who doesn’t see them as disasters in your soul but cracks to put their love into is the most calming thing in this world. ~Emery Allen
I’ve spoken with many a friend and client about the frustrations of “having it all” except “the one.” Or, conversely, not caring about cultivating one’s own garden due to a sense that the flowers aren’t as beautiful without someone to share them with. I’ve personally traversed relational terrain far more complicated than I ever could have imagined, with all the tears and heartache and self-doubt that comes with it. What is this phenomenon? This desire to connect with another that can drive us to utter rage and despair?
Your basic needs are met: food, clothing, shelter. After years of dedicated schooling and job performance, your career is stable, if not successful. You have friends and family with whom to celebrate life’s joys and sorrows. Even a furry friend to snuggle up with while catching up on American Idol. But there’s this sense that life is not complete.
I am the last person who will say you need a romantic partner in order to be fulfilled in this life. Many, many people are choosing to find joy and meaning by cultivating other areas of their lives than marriage or family. But there’s no denying the human pull toward partnership – the need for physical affection we never out grow, and the yearning for someone we can count on no matter what.
If you are one of these people who have it all, including a long history of dating pains and problems, let’s take a look at a few of the things that could be getting in your way.
Deep Sense of Unworthiness – we’ve all heard the platitude, “If you don’t love yourself, you can’t love someone else.” I’m not necessarily endorsing this statement. Many women love very deeply despite feelings of unworthiness. But I do believe it is far more difficult to accept love when you don’t love yourself. We tend to color and interpret our world based on our personal narratives – if you don’t feel loveable, or have struggled with several painful rejections, you are less likely to seek or accept the type of love that would be fulfilling. Personal work in this area may be as straightforward as a renewed journey of self-love guided by your interests, wise friends, and new experiences. Or it may call for the professional attention of a psychotherapist.
Unfocused Energy – you’ve been on Match, forced yourself through awkward blind dates, and hit the bar scene with friends on a regular basis. But have you taken the time to really think about what you’re looking for? I mean, beyond the usual: sexual chemistry, honesty, and a good sense of humor. Most people want those things! So thinking in those terms does not necessarily help you separate the “men from the boys” or the “women from the girls”! And dating “boys” and “girls” zaps energy and time from being with someone with whom you more closely fit. I absolutely do not endorse the idea that anyone less than perfect is “settling!” No one’s perfect – all relationships involve disappointment, pain, and hard work to find acceptance and middle ground. But clarity in dating can be gold! Make a list of qualities you hope your future partner will possess (and how you’ll know he/she possesses them), how you hope to interact and build a life together, and which of those qualities you may need to be growing in yourself to create that beautiful future. Write whatever comes to mind at first, then separate out the deal-breakers from your preferences, and begin holding yourself accountable to who you spend time with based on this honest assessment of your romantic needs. Sound daunting? Consider the advice of friends whose relationships you respect, or seek some professional counseling or coaching.
Anxious Attachment Style – as children we all develop attachment styles based on those early experiences with our mothers and fathers. Whatever your attachment style, you had no control over its development. A combination of biological sensitivities, environmental “fit,” and potential trauma or loss can greatly color your attachment experience. Those with an anxious attachment may find themselves particularly wrecked by nerves and worthlessness in the dating process. You may have been accused of being “dramatic” or “needy,” or may have a constant sense of insecurity in love with deep fears of rejection if someone gets to know the “real” you. Many people with this attachment style struggle with how to effectively soothe themselves, communicate relational needs to their partners, or most painfully, frequently choose partners who are emotionally unavailable and thus further bruise those childhood wounds. If this is you, you may start with some bioliotherapy by reading the books Attached and Insecure in Love, and follow it up with the help of a counseling professional with expertise in adult attachment.
Avoidant Attachment Style – similarly to anxiously attached adults, avoidantly attached adults may have experienced a lack of attention to their emotional needs as children and now struggle to allow themselves to be vulnerable with others. If this is you, you may distance from partners or end relationships that are seemingly on a good course. You may idealize a past partner or struggle to emotionally and physically connect with the same person. You may find yourself repeating your past with patterns of attraction to those who can’t meet your needs in the present, such as those who are already in committed relationships, disinterested in commitment, or are avoidantly attached themselves. If this is the case, you may start by reading the above mentioned books, and consider psychotherapy with an expert on avoidant attachment to help you understand the historical wounds that fuel your distancing with others, and learn how to tear down those walls and accept closeness and vulnerability in relationships.
If any of these concepts hit too close to home, please don’t hesitate to reach out to trusted friends or professionals to help you build the romantic life you seek and deserve. Growing old with someone you both love and trust doesn’t have to be a fantasy. It could very well be your future.
All content owned by Amanda Bowers.