Tips to Reignite the Romantic Spark in Your Relationship

Honored to be featured on Marriage.com with this article, “Tips to Reignite the Romantic Spark in Your Relationship.” See also below.

2

You’ve long ago inhaled the early dating phase of forgoing sleep for intimate conversation and unquenchable sexual desire.

You’ve committed yourselves to each other in some meaningful way, be it co-habitation, marriage, or child rearing.

You’ve seen each other sick with boogers and puke, held each other up at a funeral, and learned how to navigate the strange waters of your in-laws’ quirks.

You know what she prefers on her waffles and in her coffee.

You know his family home burned when he was 8 years old, so he’ll always have to check the oven one last time before leaving the house.

You know.

And yet somewhere along the way, you look over at the person sleeping soundly just inches from your face and realize he is a complete stranger … there’s a stranger in your bed!

Your identity has continued evolving without her participation. Or you’re not sure anymore how he really feels, what really happens during her days, or why the distance between you seems to be growing faster than your debt.

Relational stagnation is oh-so-common, and happens for predictable reasons:

  • Busy-ness (ie: dishes, homework, mortgages, deadlines, LIFE) gets in the way –how could it not? In the beginning it was learning all about the other person and the world he inhabited up until this point without you. Later it became creating a world together. And then later, the days fill with managing that co-created world.
  • We assume we know someone and so stop trying to get to know her. It’s easy to assume he still feels and thinks and fears and dreams the way he did 5, 10, 15, 50 years ago. But no one stays the same. We mature. Life grows us.
  • It’s easy to expect our partners to “just know.” Way easier than taking the risk to share our inner feelings or ask for what we want and need.

Relational stagnation may be common, but it’s still a big problem:

  • It leads to disconnection, discontent, boredom, conflict, and avoidance … it leads to the slow disintegration of your marriage over time. From here, people go on to do and experience all kinds of painful things – loneliness, affairs, and divorce to name a few.
  • If you’re raising kids together, it robs them of a powerful example of what long term love can look like. Not to mention the security it brings a family when mommy and daddy, or mommy and mommy, or daddy and daddy are clearly in love.
  • If you’re raising kids together, it leads to the daunting task of negotiating “Empty Nest” with a stranger. Add retirement to this, and the newfound hours of strained time together has you wondering if you’ll end up facing this later life stage apart or alone.
  • Most importantly, you are being robbed of the vitality and security a romantic relationship really can provide. We sometimes get caught between wanting the fairy tale on the one hand and settling for “this is just marriage” on the other. In reality, marriage is imperfect, but can still be deeply meaningful, passionate, and secure.

Don’t give up, there are ways to regenerate relational vitality!

  • Get curious! Start to ask and really listen to your partner. Take an interest in his work, recent stresses, and new hopes. This doesn’t only have to take the form of conversation. You can also join her during one of her usually solo activities.
  • Take risks and share more of yourself. It could be being honest about something that’s been nagging you for years, or a new part of yourself you’re just now putting into words. Ask directly for the comfort or connection you’ve longed for but stopped daring to expect.
  • Make a pact to step outside the box together. Take a cue from your early dating life in terms of playfulness. Ride the rides together at the fair. Slow dance in the kitchen. Invest in season tickets or new lingerie. Surprise her with breakfast in bed.
  • Prioritize quality time alone together no matter what. Set a regular date night. Put down your phones and enjoy a glass of wine together after the kids are in bed. Take vacations without other friends or family. Make time for pillow talk.

If these tips are met with your partner’s apathy or opposition, or if you can’t even imagine how to begin putting yourself out there in these ways, please don’t hesitate to seek couple therapy assistance with rebuilding intimacy.

Your marriage is one of your most valuable investment opportunities when it comes to life satisfaction. Don’t underestimate the power you really do have to re-ignite the spark when you open yourself to sharing and receiving each other’s unique inner-light.

Amanda Carver, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Atlanta, Georgia. She specializes in providing Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) in helping couples create and enjoy lasting love and affection in their relationships as well as helping individuals create deeply meaningful lives.

5 Questions to Re-Align Your Life in 2016

When I look at the heart of what drives my work as a therapist, it is connection. Connection to our own wise minds and intuitive souls, and connection to those precious people in our lives. As social animals, authentic and secure connection to ourselves and others is profoundly life changing, and when we struggle with either finding or following our own truth or finding and connecting with our own tribe, it can lead to isolation, anxiety, avoidance of many kinds, depression, and a profound sense of lacking vitality and meaning in living.

IMG_4133

As 2016 fast approaches, and we all reflect on the past year and renew our commitments for the next year, I offer you these 5 questions to get you thinking and feeling and hopefully MOVING toward a life aligned with your truest self and deepest wisdom:

  1. What is most important to me in living this life? If I could wake up tomorrow living a life that prioritized these most important values, what would be different? Think honestly about what you want to be doing now that would allow you to reflect back on your life in a way that feels full and true to who you are. Would you be taking better care of your physical or mental health? Would you be more involved with your family or community? Would you be spending way less time on your phone, watching TV, or working round the clock and more time with your children, spouse, creative projects, social causes, or on adventures?
  2. If my answer to question number 1 feels “too distant” or “too grand,” how can I break it down into daily steps that will help get me moving in a meaningful direction? Try to think in terms of routine behaviors rather than a final destination. Start with the dream, but break it down into what you could be doing daily or often to make that dream clearer or nearer. Would you be setting aside money each month to afford a trek through the mountain trails to Machu Pichu? Would you begin couples counseling to support a new period of connection and intimacy in your romantic relationship? Would you devote more time to a community that feeds your soul or goals, such as a religious or spiritual organization or a Meet-Up group?IMG_4168
  3. If I’m honest with myself, what of my current habits or personal myths are getting in my way? The habits that are getting in your way are the ways you spend time and energy with little or no return on your investment. These are the things you do that feel meaningless, lifeless, and don’t recharge you. These are the things you do because you’re bored, tired, disconnected, etc. And there are myths that keep you stuck in these behaviors, such as “I’m always too tired or too busy,” “My idea has already been done before so there’s no point,” “I’m not putting myself out there again, people will just let me down,” etc. This question helps you figure out what space needs to be cleared to make room for more of what adds meaning – it could be literal space (a cleared out corner of your basement or garage for painting), “time” space (a freed hour on your schedule), or psychological space (challenging personal myths or addressing stuck places with therapy assistance).
  4. If I am feeling knocked down by difficult times or circumstances, what kind of person do I want to be going through this difficult time or seemingly unchangeable circumstance? We all face losses and limits, some of them incredibly profound – such as the loss of loved ones, our own health constraints, and financial or other situational complexities that either can’t be changed at all, or can’t easily be changed any time soon. If this is a dark night for you, take time to really reflect on what kind of person you want to be going through or accepting this painful truth. What values or personality characteristics do you want anchoring and guiding you on this difficult leg of your life journey?IMG_4150
  5. If I am feeling overwhelmed by these questions, what is one way of being in this world that is meaningful to me and what is one step I can take toward living inside that meaning? Sometimes looking at the big picture in this way can re-energize us toward action connected to our vital truths. But sometimes it’s just too much. We all have those moments when what we need is less “to-do” and more slowing down. We need to connect with and anchor ourselves in one accessible part of our meaningful life experience before we can move forward. What is this experience for you? If it’s community, is there one friendship you could focus on nurturing? If it’s creativity, is there an inspiring book you could read or a museum you could visit? If it’s compassion, is there someone who would find comfort in hearing your warm voice on the other end of the phone? If it’s presence, if there a way to set the intention for a routine of informal mindfulness?

Use your inner compass to guide you in gleaning from these questions and answers what may spark a small but vital change in your life. There is no one “right” way to do this thing called living, and no grand vision planned well enough to avoid the dark corners and detours of ourselves and the world. Remember: mistakes and reroutes are not only unavoidable, they’re welcome! They add to the organic spice of ending up in a life far richer than the one you originally imagined. Best wishes for a meaningful 2016!

IMG_4184

Amanda Carver, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Atlanta, Georgia. She specializes in providing Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) in helping couples create and enjoy lasting love and affection in their relationships as well as helping women create deeply meaningful lives. All written content and images owned by Amanda Carver.

 

New Year’s Resolution at Earth Meets Sky

Dear Readers,

I haven’t updated this blog in nearly 4 months. There have been several reasons for this, but the primary reason is that I’ve been struggling with balancing the purpose of this blog with other beliefs. I firmly believe that we are an over-saturated society when it comes to tidbits (or long bits) of information – including inspirational info! – and that we’re also a society far too stuck inside our iProducts, TVs, computers, and social media.

There was a time when reading a good article, even online, was meaningful. Now there are so many good articles to read, it’s hard to make time, and even harder to keep in mind what we gleaned from the reading. Things get condensed into soundbites of the written word, the longest of which is still a fairly short article or blog entry (much like mine) with a “Step 1, 2, 3” flow to it, and the most common of which are Tweets and quotes. I love quotes, but even those start to lose meaning when we’re bombarded with them on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram all day long. An inspirational kernel of wisdom can become a meaningless platitude when you find it “spamming” your social media walls.

Amanda Carver, LMFT is not about any of that. I am not trying to compete with the already amazing resources out there, and I’m certainly not trying to pull you away from the richness of your inner wisdom or the warmth of your real life human connections.

And yet, I do have ideas to share. I do realize that some people may use this space as a spring board to get to know me and my clinical work which could lead to very meaningful connection in my therapy office. And I do think sometimes an article or a quote can be just what we need to take the action our deeper wisdom was already stirring inside of us.

As such I’ve decided to become very focused with this space. My New Year’s Resolution here at Earth Meets Sky with Pie is to carefully sift through the various ideas I have about what to share and hold myself accountable to sharing what is potentially most meaningful to you … and in a way that is accessible and digestible but not at the expense of honoring the complexity of the human experience. In short, I want to share what you want to hear and what I believe may actually be helpful based on my human and professional experience.

Please let me know if there are topics you’d like to see covered at Earth Meets Sky with Pie! Knowing I won’t be spamming your walls or inbox, please take the time to follow me on Facebook, Twitter, or WordPress so that you are aware of when I do make a post … and so that you can more easily engage in the ongoing human conversation of what helps create a vital and meaningful life! I want to hear from you. I want to connect with you. I want this space to honor the vital and meaningful, including respecting your pursuits of those things in the real rather than the virtual world. As always, I look forward to seeing what ideas we can create together.

Warmly and with Best Wishes for 2016,
Amanda

IMG_4062

Amanda Carver, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Atlanta, Georgia. She specializes in providing Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) in helping couples create and enjoy lasting love and affection in their relationships as well as helping women create deeply meaningful lives. All written content and images owned by Amanda Carver.

 

 

Phone-Life Balance: Using Mindfulness to Reconnect with Your Real Self and Your Real Life

I am honored to share a blog post I wrote for my friend and colleague Gordon Shippey’s blog: Phone-Life Balance: Using Mindfulness to Reconnect with Your Real Self and Your Real Life (also below). Gordon is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Atlanta, GA who specializes in mental health issues surrounding the Internet and our increasingly technological world, including issues such as Internet addiction, compulsive gaming, and addiction to online pornography. Please check out his website and blog for further information about prioritizing mental health in the technology age!

11149290_1010971682267356_918045794022719524_n

We all know it’s true, that nagging voice inside is noticing more and more: We’ve become addicted to our smart phones. First thing in the morning (even before coffee!), last thing before turning out our bedside light, waiting at traffic lights or for tables at restaurants, and even during lulls in conversation with our friends and family, we light up our phones and check Facebook, Instagram, texts, email, news and other apps. For some it goes so far as answering calls during sex, or texting while driving – a fatal hazard! We hardly have time to enjoy a beautiful moment before we’re posing and taking pictures of it to post on our media pages. Our experiences are being hijacked by the cataloging of them, and all to supposedly help us feel more connected, maybe even more alive … but is it working?

Now that social media and the smart phones that put it constantly at our fingertips have been standard items for many years, the research is rolling in on how much better off we really are from these powerful inventions. Perhaps unsurprisingly, it doesn’t look good. According to a study at the University of Derby, the average smart phone user spends 3.6 hours on their device a day, with 13% of research participants showing full addiction behaviors. And it’s coming with a toll of less connectedness and increased depression.

11846633_1012552652112111_4359517682162020442_nI’m all for smart phones and social media! I love that I get to know the little goings on in my friends’ and family’s lives, and even “watch” their children grow up despite the sometimes thousands of miles between us. I love that I can quickly search for the nearest taco stand from anywhere that I am. I love that I can follow up on email or pay bills while waiting at the doctor’s office.

But what is the price for these conveniences? And what can one do about balancing the scale between help and harm? Borrowing from the ever-wise world of mindfulness, you may find that disconnecting from your phone for even brief periods of time brings great riches to the present moment you are actually living.

Instead of reaching for your phone first thing in the morning, try:

  • Doing a body scan and noticing where you need to stretch or which parts may need your special attention
  • Checking in with roommates, romantic partners, or children and asking them about their pending day

Instead of reaching for your phone last thing at night, try:

  • Engaging in progressive muscle relaxation where you tense and release the different muscles in your body
  • Checking in with yourself or your partner to share the “best” and “worst” of the day

Instead of reaching for your phone at a traffic light or while waiting in line, try:

  • Taking at least 3 deep, comfortable breaths
  • Really noticing the people and landscapes around you – the unique in the mundane, the little things you’ve passed a thousand times but never really seen

Instead of reaching for your phone while on your lunch break or eating meals alone, try:

  • Using your 5 sense to fully experience your food – what does it smell like, look like in full spectrum of color, feel like against your fingers and tongue, etc.?
  • Giving gratitude for the sun, water, minerals, plants and people who helped make it possible to eat your meal

11888080_10153469547484223_8901698304474151579_n

Instead of reaching for your phone while with people, try:

  • Listening with deep intent to what others are saying, or if they’re not talking, asking them questions and giving them time and space to fully answer
  • Sharing what’s on your mind – either your troubles or your joys – people won’t think you a complainer or a braggart – they do want to know who you really are!

If possible, push yourself to carve out moments of your day or week where you turn your phone off or at least leave it on vibrate in the other room. Delete apps that you notice are sucking up too much of your time. (I personally did this with much success in terms of improved productivity and time for, gasp, reading actual books!)

Remember, our phones may be really good at lighting up areas of our brain that our brain then interprets as a reward. They may be really good at distracting us from our boredom or anxiety. They may be really good at directions home. But they can’t replace the people in our lives. And they certainly can’t live our lives for us. A perfectly posed picture can’t replace the experience of taking in a gorgeous mountain sunset or your dog greeting you with his merrily wagging tail. And a perfectly choreographed video can’t replace the actual experience of your first wedding dance, new husband or wife warm in your arms.

When we’re plugged into our phones, we miss out on so much. We miss out on our beautifully unscripted and un-catalogued lives. These spontaneous moments are the treasures we all look back on with love and joy. Nothing could be more important.

Amanda Carver, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Atlanta, Georgia. She specializes in providing Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) in helping couples create and enjoy lasting love and affection in their relationships as well as helping women create deeply meaningful lives. All written content owned by Amanda Carver.

Helping Couples Feel Love: Why I’m an EFT Therapist

Most agree that romantic love has a powerful way of defining our lives for better or worse. When things are going well with our partner, the rest of life often feels manageable because of the strength of that bond. But when our couple relationship is going south, the emotional toll from that lack of connection not only feels terrible, it has a way of falling like dominoes into other life domains. I have a special passion for helping individuals and couples create and enjoy lasting love and affection in their relationships. This passion led me to become a Marriage and Family Therapist, and from there has led me to become an Emotionally Focused Therapist. With all the different types of therapies out there to help people through relationship difficulties, how did I arrive at Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)? Because I profoundly believe in the healing power of this treatment! Here are a few reasons why:

IMG_2030
It’s a mystery of human chemistry and I don’t understand it; some people, as far as their senses are concerned, just feel like home. ~Nick Hornby

1. People aren’t ill or broken, they’re stuck in painful patterns

Since the birth of psychotherapy, the lens with which we’ve viewed people has been intrapsychic and at times even pathologizing. Freud saw people’s motivations in terms of internal drives rather than interpersonal needs, and that concept has stuck over the course of generations. I’m not saying that mental illness isn’t very real – it is. But many aspects of behavior, especially in terms of relational behavior, are better understood from an attachment frame. We are social creatures with an innate need to form secure and lasting bonds. This need is so innate we fail to thrive without it, and many experiments in the research literature highlight the significance of our need for attachment as being as important as food or water. This begins with parent and child and continues with other important figures and our potential romantic partnering with another person. Thus, much of what happens with couples that isn’t working is based on attachment fears being activated and protests against emotional disconnection. If you look way beneath all the fighting, demanding, emotionality, and withdrawing, you find that these actions are not pathological or unfixable, they are our way of saying, Do you really see me? Are you really there for me? We aren’t broken for wanting this connection. We are hurting and afraid because we don’t have it or can’t trust it.

2. Couples communication needs authenticity, not rules

So much of traditional couples therapy and the general public’s concept of couples therapy is about communication skills. I’m all for good communication! But simply learning to speak and listen and compromise isn’t enough. Not only do many of these communication methods leave couples feeling stilted or awkward when they’re trying to discuss something as profound as matters of the heart, they also fly right out the window in more heated moments when those discussions have shifted into the realms of sex, money, family, or who forgot to start the dishwasher (warning: strong language, scene from comedy clip). In EFT, couples aren’t taught specific skills for communication. Instead they are guided to experience real vulnerability and attunement with each other in ways that feel authentic and meaningful. This type of bottom-up learning not only feels more relevant, it is profoundly lasting.

IMG_2015
What I want most, is to know what you hear in the silence between us. ~William C. Hannan

3. It works!

Dr. Sue Johnson began developing EFT in the 1980s because she realized something was missing in our understanding of couple’s pain, conflict, and healing. This was during a time when attachment was being more fully recognized as a relevant part of the human experience thanks to the pioneering work of John Bowlby. But most were still focused on the parent-child attachment and not thinking much about how attachment needs play out in adult relationships. Over 2 decades later, Dr. Johnson’s treatment approach has been proven to work by meeting the gold standard in research. Studies have shown time and again that it’s not only the attachment frame that’s important, but EFT’s way of accessing that frame that creates truly lasting change.

4. Secure attachments are transforming

When couples create secure attachments with each other, it does more than lead to deepening love and commitment. It can change each partner’s entire experience of themselves, each other, and the world. I know this because I’ve seen it in others and I’ve experienced it personally. Since being in a securely attached relationship, I’ve felt my entire self and life shift toward the more steady and the more alive – the “roots and wings” of Earth Meets Sky. When you have a partner as a secure base, you are able to go inside yourself and gently embrace all the beautiful and scary parts of who you are as well as approach the world with far greater curiosity and confidence. Old wounds diminish and any future feels possible because you know in your deepest heart that your partner will be by your side.

In short, I’m an EFT therapist because I hope to help others create and deepen this kind of transformational love. We all need it, and we all deserve it.

If your relationship is hurting from conflict, distance, or even deeper relational traumas such as infidelity, consider turning to the guidance of an EFT therapist. EFT therapists have a unique way of helping you heal in individual therapy as well. If you live in the Atlanta area, please feel free to contact me to see how I may be of assistance in helping you and/or your partner create and deepen the powerful bonds of love.

IMG_2111
Having your wounds kissed by someone who doesn’t see them as disasters in your soul but cracks to put their love into is the most calming thing in the world. ~Emery Allen

Amanda Carver, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Atlanta, GA. She specializes in providing Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) in helping couples create and enjoy lasting love and affection in their relationships as well as helping women create deeply meaningful lives. All written content and images owned by Amanda Carver.

How to Help Your Therapist Help You

Honored to have contributed to mindbodygreen with this article about how to get the most out of therapy! How to Help Your Therapist Help You

Do you have ideas about what has helped make your therapy more meaningful or beneficial? Please share!

You’ve mustered up the courage to say, “Something’s off in my life right now.” You seek the assistance of a helping professional to get back on track, and feel relieved almost immediately. You’re starting to make productive choices.

Maybe you’ve realized sadness or anxiety has hijacked your life, or you’re struggling with chronic conflict or lack of connection in your most important relationships. Maybe you’ve realized that despite having everything you always thought you wanted, you’re still not fulfilled. Whatever the reason, you’ve decided you are important enough to seek assistance with creating the life you want.

Some individuals seeking therapy think that their therapist will “fix” the problem that they are facing, even if they don’t realize this dynamic is at play. But therapy is work, for both parties involved. It takes reflection, a healthy balance of self-analysis and self-acceptance, and a commitment to follow-through.

If you’re in psychotherapy or counseling treatment or are considering gaining the assistance of a mental health professional or coach, the following tips will dramatically enhance the return you can gain from this powerful investment — an investment in you. I offer these tips as both a psychotherapist and someone who has benefited from being in therapy.

1. Don’t skimp on sessions — make it a practice.

People sometimes seek therapy services with a “one foot in, one foot out” mentality. This may look like frequently canceled sessions or forgetting or not doing homework. Unless you are on vacation or experiencing a true emergency, it is essential to attend sessions weekly (or at whatever interval you and your therapist have determined is best).

Building a relationship with your therapist and the regular contact that requires is the foundation for gaining the most from your therapy experience! Even on days when you’re feeling down (especially on these days!) or when the sun is shining and you’d rather spend an afternoon at the park, remind yourself that it is a commitment not just with your therapist, but with yourself.

2. Work between sessions. (It’s like “therapy homework.”)

Some therapists assign homework. This could be as simple as thinking about a certain topic or as specific as reading chapters in a book or practicing specific relational or coping strategies. Some therapies are designed to include homework on a regular basis, such as behavioral treatments like CBT or DBT. In other types of therapy, homework is more of a periodic way to enhance your growth experience.

Even if you aren’t assigned specific homework, it’s important to bring the thoughts and questions you engage with in therapy outside the office. Try exploring and practicing techniques you have worked on with your therapist in other relationships. Journal. Talk to supportive friends or family members about the questions you’ve been thinking about. Engaging in the process will help you transform a slow-paced recovery into a life-altering experience where the change you seek gains noticeable traction.

3. Get radically honest.

Therapists are trained professionals who are likely predisposed to offering compassion and support. We’ve taken this natural inclination to be helpful and learned specific ways of interacting with you that may assist with positive outcomes in your life.

Our ability to help you is severely limited if you aren’t honest with us. This includes the big things, like history of abuse or drug and alcohol intake, and the “smaller” things, too, like not having a sincere interest in a homework assignment.

I can’t tell you how many times a case has “cracked open” into meaningful change because a client finally disclosed needed information about him/herself and problems. If you’ve found yourself lying to your therapist, don’t beat yourself up! Shame about problems is normal, as is the impulse to lie. Just take the opportunity to be brave and correct this information with your therapist.

4. Practice transparency.

Somewhat different from telling the truth, being transparent means telling the truth in incredibly subtle and internal ways. It’s having the courage to speak up and say, “No, I don’t think you got that quite right,” or, “I’m struggling with thoughts that you are judging me right now.”

It’s sharing your inner world with your therapist, especially as it relates to your therapist and your treatment. It may seem like you’ll hurt your therapist’s feelings, or that the information is not that important — but trust me, the “meat” of the process of therapy comes in these more intricate interactions where you allow yourself to be a fully authentic person.

Please note that these tips are offered under the assumption that you are working with a competent and compassionate therapist. Good therapists may sometimes point out problems or unhelpful patterns as a way to encourage healing and growth, but they know how to do so without judgment.

It is imperative that you feel safe with your therapist in terms of knowing that your therapist has your best interests at heart and will keep what you share confidential. If this is not the case, please consider speaking openly with your therapist about your concerns, or seeing if a different therapist may be a better fit for you.

Photo Credit: Shutterstock

Shining the Light on Sneaky Emotions, Part 3: I’m Not Upset, It’s Just a Stomachache

In my last posts, I’ve been sharing information about sneaky emotions as a way to help you shine the light on what’s really going on in your emotional life and increase your chances of feeling better.

We’ve discussed Anger as a Rowdy Ruse and Depression as the Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing. Today, I want to talk about psychosomatic symptoms. To recap, psychosomatic symptoms are physical symptoms that arise in response to an emotional trigger. The energy of the emotion is converted, so to speak, into headaches, stomach pains, diarrhea, or other physical ailments. The reason this happens is twofold.

First, our emotional and physical experiences are always tightly connected! We do not have a mind separate from our body. Our emotional wisdom literally courses throughout our nerves. We cry when we’re sad, clench when we’re angry, tense when we’re anxious, and have all felt the literal ache of a broken heart. More and more, researchers are learning about the wonders of the vagus nerve in your abdomen that is the biological explanation for the long held concept of the “gut instinct.” Embracing the fusion of emotion and body is essential, and this post is certainly not about trying to unnaturally separate them. 22059_100569169979883_1506761_n

“Denial Ain’t Just A River In Egypt”

However, another reason emotional energy gets converted into physical symptoms is because of denial of our emotional truths. Denial is a powerful defense mechanism that when used sparingly, can effectively help us cope with difficult life experiences. Consider the person who denies the extent of a terminal illness to the point of seeking profoundly helpful treatments versus the person who denies the extent of a terminal illness to the point of ignoring her/his need for basic medical care. Some denial is helpful, and all denial is human. But when we can’t accept our emotional truths to the point of repeated psychosomatic symptoms, the level of denial can be deeply ineffective, not to mention literally painful.

If you are someone who struggles with chronic pain, such as headaches or gastrointestinal issues, and a doctor has confirmed that your pain does not have a physical cause, you may consider addressing it through an emotional route. I am not suggesting to dismiss your physical symptoms! Your pain is real and deserves your attention. I’m also not suggesting that your pain is “all in your head.” As I established earlier, there’s no such thing as a complete separation of mind and body. What I am saying is that in addition to engaging in appropriate medical care, you may also consider some deep soul-searching about other causes in the emotional realm, such as disowned anxiety, anger, or sadness.

Popping medicine, or worse, avoiding the activities of your life in some way due to chronic psychosomatic pain without also addressing the underlying emotional causes is much like slapping a Band-Aid on a festering wound: your pain will only get worse. Logically, we can see how this happens. If you’re anxious, say, by social interaction or job performance issues, and begin downing Mylanta and avoiding those situations as much as possible convincing yourself the whole time the real problem is this “bad stomach,” then your anxiety will worsen as you continue to avoid the situation, and your bad stomach will worsen as you continue to avoid your anxiety. On the other hand, if you can begin to connect the dots between your emotional and physical experiences, and then honor or heal those emotions, you will likely experience physical healing as well.

If this sounds like it could be you, take the followings steps:

  1. Admit to yourself that your physical problems may also be influenced by emotional distress
  2. Remind yourself that this is human, it’s not all in your head, and you are not weak or false for having this experience
  3. Confirm through a doctor that there aren’t medical issues causing your problems
  4. Through solitary self-reflection or with the assistance of a trusted friend or helping professional, begin looking at what emotion(s) may be stuck for you
  5. Allow yourself to honestly evaluate your dissatisfactions and insecurities
  6. Validate your emotional experience and if needed, seek validation from others as well
  7. Begin to look at ways to alleviate your distress, and accept help if needed: Do you need to learn specific coping skills? Face a fear? Confront an aggressor? Set better limits? Grieve a loss or old wound? Take steps toward your values and dreams?
  8. Give yourself time to heal, and trust in the wisdom of your mind and body to guide you in this work

Remember to be gentle with yourself as you embark on emotional discoveries and change. Harshly criticizing your experience is just as damaging as the original denial. With a curious and compassionate heart, allow your emotional truths to unfurl. With time you will blossom into all heights of healing.

IMG_2274
All content owned by Amanda Bowers. This post is dedicated in memory of her beloved dog, Ruby.